Jan 15

Hello to everyone. Things here are still rocking along. Not much has changed. Mark still has periods of being pretty with it and able to have some normal dialog (although limited for sure) and then periods where he is very confused. Sometimes he just doesn't respond to us at all, but his eyes are open, so we're not sure whether he's sleeping with his eyes open or what. It's hard to know. This morning I had the Today Show on in the bedroom and I was laying next to Mark watching it. They had some of the Haiti coverage on. Mark was lying face up staring at the ceiling and I didn't think he was alert. They interviewed an American who was trapped and had severe damage to her legs and ended up having her leg amputated and she was so positive and just happy to be alive and hoping that the others in Haiti were being helped. Mark said "How sad. That is a really sad story". I looked at him and asked "Are you listening to this?" and he said "yes". I asked if he wanted me to prop him up so he could watch, but he said "No, I just want to listen". I was amazed at how alert he was, but then later he was very confused about his IV pump and saying weird things.

Colton seemed a little better today. He got to come in and see his dad. He was upset knowing that his dad probably won't be here for his 10th birthday this year which is March 1st. Calen came in to visit Mark this evening as well. Mark gave him a baseball bat. Mark promised him a bat if he made the 8th grade baseball team. Of course, we don't know if he's made the team at this point, but we wanted to be sure Mark could present him the bat, so we went on the assumption that he would make the team. Brent was actually key in getting the bat here. He got all the specifications and found the one Calen wanted since Mark isn't able to. Thanks for doing that. The bat is very special to Calen. He was all choked up.

Pete, so sorry to hear about your son. Mark talked about you and your son to me and told me what good people you were. I know we've never met, but I feel in a way I know you. Like you, I am learning that we lose ones we love way too early sometimes and we have to know that there is someone much greater than us in charge and trust that there is a greater good being done. I pray that you feel the peace of God each day. I just found out today that someone that I knew from High School just died of metastatic breast cancer. She left behind a husband, a grown son and a 13 year old daughter. My heart breaks for them.

Thanks Debbie for stopping by and for thinking of the kids and their needs during this time. I can't thank you enough for that.

Congratulations Keven and Elizabeth on baby Ethan. What exciting news. Can't wait to see him.

As always, continue to pray for Mark and all those battling cancer. Please remember the people of Haiti tonight as well. They are such a poverty stricken nation already and this is so devastating for them. Please pray that their needs are met. God bless!!!!!

Jan 14

Hello to all. Things continue about the same here. Mark is comfortable, but continues to get weaker. He hasn't eaten in many weeks now and only drinks sips of water. He has started getting dizzy when I roll him side to side in the bed just today. He tried to get a drink of water on his own last night and ended up spilling the water in the bed, so at 4:30am I was up changing the sheets and him. He felt bad, he is just too weak to hold the water glass up. I have continued going in to the office from 9-3:30 or so. Kathy and Brent take care of Mark while I'm gone. It is hard.

Calen had his first rec league basketball game Tuesday night. It was fun to get to watch them play and they had a lot of fun. Their team ended up winning, but really it was all about having fun and hanging out with friends which was nice. I hate that their games are so late. It started at 9. I had to leave Colton's practice to get Colton and Emily in bed and then drive back to watch the second part of Calen's game.

Colton and I had a heart to heart tonight. He is really having a hard time dealing with Mark dying. He cried a lot and just opened up a lot. He's afraid that he won't get to tell Mark goodbye, so I told him that each day he needs to go talk to his dad in the morning and tell him what he needs to tell him for the day even if Mark's eyes aren't open that Mark hears him. I think that will help Colton to feel that he can say goodbye. I talked to Colton about Mark's wishes to stay at home and I think Colton is okay with that. It's really hitting him hard and I pray that I handle this in the right way. It's so hard for all of us.

I am so sleep deprived and yet I find myself staying up half the night. It's crazy I know. I think my brain is turning into mush. ha

Thanks to all the Slammers families for the Tuesday night dinners. You have been wonderful to feed us every Tuesday night. Thank you all so much.

Thanks to all of you who continue to pray for us. Please continue to keep Mark in your prayers. Pray for all those fighting cancer. God bless!!!!

Jan 10

Hello again. Things are about the same in the Bertus house. Mark continues to feel weak and tired and sleeps most of the time. He has very little time that he is awake and alert and he doesn't like to talk much. His voice is more of a whisper and he can't stand anything loud at all. He thinks talking in a normal voice in the room is being loud. He grimaces if things get too noisy, it seems to aggravate the pain and discomfort. He likes the light to be off with just the lamp on, but still leaves the tv on. Sometimes on mute. Go figure. I relate it to how I feel when I have a migraine and any stimuli at all causes the pain to increase, so I guess that must be in some way how it is with him.

Mark is still on the morphine drip to control his pain and it seems to be helping. He seems to be pretty comfortable for the most part. He can get extra medicine when needed and that is helpful. He continues to lose weight as he cannot eat anything. It is a helpless feeling. I miss that he isn't able to sit and talk or watch a movie with me anymore. I sit by the bed just to be next to him.

Basketball started last week for Colton and their team pulled off a narrow victory by 1 point. Calen's team will start this Tuesday without even practicing yet. It will be interesting, but I'm sure they'll have fun. I took Calen to see the movie Avatar. It was really good. I was trying to get him out to do some things with his friends this weekend. I think he feels like he has to be here for me and I don't want him to feel that way. I certainly want him to enjoy being 13. (Not that I minded going to the movie with him- it was nice).

We continue to pray that Mark remains at peace and pain free. I know that God is in charge and I don't understand this, but I am trying to stay strong and trust in Him. Please continue to pray for Mark and all those fighting this cancer battle. God bless!!!

Jan 7

Hello everyone. Sorry I haven't been faithful about posting. The time gets away from me and I am losing track of days. It is crazy, yet peaceful here. Mark continues to decline a bit. If he were able to eat, I think he would be somewhat stable, but he is just so malnourished and can't use his gut at all for nourishment. He is still able to drink water and keeping up with his fluids for the most part and hasn't been nauseated or vomiting which has been an answered prayer for sure.

We started Mark on the IV morphine drip a few days ago to get his pain under better control. He seems to be better. On the second day, we removed the patches and went solo on the morphine. He has the ability to push a button and give himself extra doses as he needs it and then gets a continuous infusion as well. Well, the IV morphine bag went empty at 3:30am this morning and the pump started beeping. I jumped up to check it and sure enough, no morphine. YIKES!!!! I quickly slapped 3 patches on Mark and woke him to get him to take a pain pill since I knew he would soon be hurting and pretty bad. There was a little morphine left in the bag, so I figured out how to get the pump to run another couple of hours to get the remaining medicine in him and then we waited to get in touch with hospice. We now have a plan to avoid this happening again. It took a bit to get Mark comfortable again today, but he looks better now, in fact a little too sleepy. I think I need to take the patches back off.

Funny story and those of you who know Mark well will like this one. Through it all, he hasn't lost his humor. Julia, Mark's hospice nurse, was over to start the morphine drip a few days ago. She had to access his port through the skin with a needle. She was cleaning it off and talking to me and told Mark "there's going to be a little stick" but all the while Mark's laying there with his eyes closed like he's in la la land and not moving, so we keep talking. All of a sudden, Julia sticks Mark with the needle and he yells out with this loud booming scream "OUUUUCCCCHHHHHHHHHH". It was so loud and he sounded like he was in agonizing pain. Julia jumped back and Mark had this big grin on his face and said "ha ha just kidding". Julia and I started laughing at him. He is so funny sometimes.

Mark continues to have periods of confusion from the medicine and dehydration in combination with liver failure. He is very yellow. Most of the time he seems pretty with it, but out of the blue he will just say the weirdest things or start whispering like he's talking to someone who's not there.

I worked Tues, Wed and today as partial days in the office. It seemed to work out okay. It is really hard to leave Mark right now. I am just playing it by ear. The kids started back to school this week and seem to be doing okay for the most part. Brent and Kathy are here and are caring for Mark while I'm at work. That can keep you busy. I know they enjoy spending time with him though.

Thanks to all of you who continue to read this and pray for us and support us through this battle. Pray for all those battling cancer out there. God bless!!!!!

Jan 4

Hello to everyone. Calen and I were sick yesterday with some virus and it was a miserable day in the Bertus house. We missed mass. I'm just glad Colton, Emily, Kathy and Brent didn't get sick (or at least not yet). Mark continues to get weaker. He has started getting very confused. Last night he was just talking out of his head and confused all night. He made no sense at all. I think he was having hallucinations. He didn't take any extra pain medicine all afternoon. I turned the TV off hoping that would help. He asked me at 10:30 last night if it was morning or night even though it was dark outside.

The kids are getting ready to go back to school on Wednesday. I think they are ready to get back into a routine and see their friends again. I am supposed to go back to work tomorrow, but I don't know how that will work. Mark is very confused and I don't know that he can get out of bed at all anymore. We will see. Julia, Mark's hospice nurse, is supposed to come visit him again today so I will talk to her and see what she thinks.

Thanks again for the support and prayers. Continue to pray for all those battling cancer. God bless!!!

Jan 1

Hello to all and Happy New Year. Mark is holding his own. He seems to have a pretty good handle on his pain which makes us feel better. He has been sleeping more and his awake times have been fewer and far between. Unfortunately he was due for his patch change yesterday which is the day he gets pretty sedated and missed the OU game. He woke briefly a few times and I gave him an update, but he didn't seem very interested in the game and just couldn't wake up to watch it. Mark's sister Eugenie is here again for a visit with her husband Mike and their 3 kids. We all stayed up, kids and all, to bring in the New Year. We had a little champagne and Mark was awake for it and even took a sip of the champagne. He was more awake last night and visited with everyone for a little bit. He seems to be more awake at night and is still sleeping with the light and tv on all night. (I am having a hard time adjusting to this as I am one of those people who needs total darkness and quiet to sleep. I use an eye mask to keep the light out, but the tv is impossible to ignore. I am starting to get a little used to it.)

Mark seems a little more awake today. He had about an hour this evening with me which was nice. He was also awake intermittently through the Auburn game. How do you summarize that game for him???? I just told him Auburn won several times in overtime. I missed Father Bill again today. I took Calen out for a haircut and Father Bill came over. Mark was sleeping, but Father Bill went in and said a prayer for Mark.

I got all the Christmas decorations down today, packed them up and put them up. Yeah!!! That is always a good feeling.

Thanks for all of you who continue to pray for Mark and support us through this cancer battle. I continue to pray for a miraculous cure. I guess it's a little like a prisoner on death row praying for a last minute stay of execution, but I still pray it happens. I just have to trust and have faith because I certainly don't understand this. It seems so senseless. Continue to pray that Mark experiences comfort and peace in these coming days. God bless!!!!

Dec 29

Hello again. Well, I was hoping Mark would have another good day yesterday as it was his day in between pain patch changes, but I was wrong. He was pretty sedated and just feeling weak and puny. He didn't feel like talking or doing much and pretty much slept all day. Julia, his hospice nurse, came out to check on him. She brought a scale to weigh Mark and he weighed in at a whopping 143 pounds. He is so thin!!! He hasn't eaten in weeks and it just kills me to see him looking like this. They really didn't change anything in his treatment, just keeping him comfortable.

I took the kids to a movie yesterday afternoon. They are getting stir crazy in the house, so we saw Alvin and the Chipmunks. It was pretty cute.

We pray that Mark remains pain free. He has been resting for the past few days and staying pretty sedated. Please continue to pray for peace for Mark and that he remains comfortable. Pray for all those battling cancer. God bless!!!!