Jan 30

Thanks to all of you who attended Mark's wake and funeral. He had many wonderful friends, colleagues and students here in town. Many of you made the trip from Oklahoma and many of you were kept from attending because of the terrible ice storm and for that I am sorry. We have truly been blessed with so many wonderful people.

Many of you asked about the quote Andy used from me in his eulogy. It is something I posted on facebook the day Mark passed. Here it is again. Mark was a wonderful man who taught me to love deeper than I thought I was capable, laugh more than I thought possible and live in each and every moment. He was a great husband, father, teacher and coach. I don't pretend to know the reasons God chose to take Mark at an early age, but I know heaven got a little brighter today.

This has certainly been a tough week. There have been a lot of ups and downs. We've told many funny stories about Mark and laughed as we remembered him in some of his great moments. Believe me, there are many. It's also been sad and tearful where you feel your heart being ripped from your chest. What a roller coaster this will be I'm sure. Matt and I played "Take It To The Limit" by the Eagles which is one of Mark's all time favorite songs. He used to crank it up LOUD and sing at the top of his lungs while we were driving in the car. I think he used to sing it before he played baseball in High School before we even met. It brought tears just remembering him singing that song. We visited the grave today and all that kept going through my head was that song and how he lived life that way.

The kids are holding up. They have spent the night with friends and I am so glad that so many of their friends have been so supportive. It is nice to be in such a great community such as Auburn.

For now, it's just taking it minute by minute and getting through the day. Hopefully it will start getting easier. I feel like my entire universe has shattered and it just doesn't fit back together quite the same way. There is such a huge hole in it now.

Thanks again for all the love and support. We've been truly blessed. Please continue to pray for all those battling cancer. God bless!!!!

Jan 26

It is with heavy heart I write one last time. Mark passed this morning. His suffering has ended and he is no longer in pain. He went to be with our Lord and Saviour. He was surrounded by family and he went in peace. Thanks to all of you who followed Mark's battle. He was one tough warrior and fought hard to the end. We got to say our goodbyes this morning. Hospice came out. Julia was here with the hospice chaplain and they were great. Father Bill came over and prayed with us and spent quite a bit of time here.

After Mark was gone from the house, I went into the bedroom to shower and it really hit me that he was gone. The bed was made and he wasn't in it. It was just not right seeing the bed without Mark there. He's really gone.

The funeral will be at St. Michaels Catholic Church at their NEW location on North College St. It will be Friday morning at 10am. We will be having visitation at Jeffcoat Trant funeral home on Thursday night from 6-8pm. In lieu of flowers, please make donations to the Mark Bertus Scholarship Fund at any Auburn Bank location or mail to PO Drawer 3110 Auburn, AL 36831-3110.

If anyone is coming from out of town, the Holiday Inn Express will offer a special rate if you give them Mark's name. The address is 1801 Capp Landing Opelika, AL 36804. Ph (334) 749-5250.

I will post if anything changes or as we know more. Thanks to all of you who have supported us through this battle. Hold tight to those you love today and always. Please continue to pray for those battling cancer. May God bless and keep you all!!!!!

Ronda

Jan 25

Hello to all. Things here continue to decline. I know I keep saying that, but it is true. Mark is more confused and again does not recognize where he is and is saying random things and hallucinating most of the time. It is difficult to tell at times whether he is in pain or not since he cannot give us a lucid answer. We try to use his body language. We had the hospice nurse come out on Saturday to increase his morphine drip and then again on Sunday to increase the drip once again to get better pain control. We are still using extra doses when needed.

Matt had to return home to take care of some business, but hopefully will be back tomorrow. I don't know how much longer Mark can hang on. He is just hanging on by a thread it seems. He is sometimes short of breath and will grab at his chest like it hurts him. We have turned the oxygen up some. It is hard to leave his side. I don't want to be gone for even a minute.

My mom and Eugenie are still here and Mark's parents have been here since September. We are all spending as much time with Mark as possible. It is hard to see him like this. I pray that God will end his suffering and bring him peace. He has been suffering way too long and it's painful to watch and be helpless.

Father Bill came by for a visit and to pray with Mark during the week. Luckily it was when Mark was still able to remember some and he knew who Father Bill was.

Thanks to all of you who continue to support us through this battle. We have been fighting long and hard. Mark is a tough warrior as you can see. He has never been one to give in to anything and this is no different. He plans to fight to the very end and who would expect anything less from Mark. Please continue to pray for peace and for Mark to be pain free. Pray for all those battling cancer and as always, God bless!!!!!

Jan 22

Hello everyone. We continue to hang on and take things as they come. It's hard to remember what has changed since the last post. Mark continues to get weaker overall. He has trouble just holding his hand up and needs help rolling side to side in the bed. He is still confused a lot, but sometimes makes a little sense and has cracked a few jokes to make us laugh. He has a knack for that even in his darkest hours. He truly is amazing.

He kept me up most of the night last night talking to me, fidgeting and asking for water. He wanted the TV back on at 3:30, so we found a NUMB3Rs marathon to watch. That is one of Mark's favorite shows. He loves the way they use math theories and equations to solve things. I have no idea what time it was when I finally went to sleep, but Mark's hospice nurse showed up this morning and I was exhausted and couldn't even get out of bed for her. I think she understood. Mark starts telling her that he's been having trouble breathing (out of the blue) and sounds pretty lucid at first, then starts telling me "honey, I'm off center" and I think he's talking about the position he's laying in so I tell him I'll move him in a minute. He then starts talking about the comet not lining up right, so I know he's confused again. Julia asked why he wasn't wearing the oxygen since he was having trouble breathing and he said "I don't know". We put the oxygen on him today and he's been using it and doing fine with it.

The hiccups continue. Mark's diaphragm will spasm and he will gasp loudly and not be able to breath for a bit every now and then and it is a little scary to see. He did that yesterday once when we were all sitting here and we all reacted towards him and were asking if he was okay. Mark did it again a second time right after that on purpose and then said "ha ha". Like I said, he is still joking around some.

Mark's sister, Eugenie, made it in tonight from the airport. He has had a chance to visit with her now as well. He was asking about her the other day, so now she is here.

Debbie Brooks came by today and got to see Mark for a brief visit. I wasn't sure if Mark would remember her, but when he saw her he did recognize her and got to talk with her briefly. Andy came by for a visit tonight as well. We truly are blessed with some of the best friends ever.

Thanks for all the prayers and support. Pray for all those battling cancer. God bless!!!

Jan 20

Hello to all. It's been a busy and eventful 24 hours. Mark's twin brother, Matt, and my mom, Sue, decided late last night to drive to Auburn. They packed quickly and hopped in the car and drove overnight through the rain and made it today around noon. I told Mark last night that his brother was coming. He didn't remember that he had a brother at first. I sat for a while and told him the story of us moving to Auburn and that he was a Finance Professor at Auburn University and about our children and our life here. I asked if he remembered Andy coming to visit him and after a little bit, he started remembering. After the story, I asked him if he remembered his brother and he looked at me like I was crazy, so I asked "what's your brother's name?" and he said "Matt".

He has been a little more with it today. He still has times where he doesn't know us, but for the most part can figure out who we are. He says off the wall things and I think he hallucinates a lot. The hiccups continue and sometimes his diaphragm goes into a spasm and he makes a very loud gasping sound inward that is pretty scary to hear.

Matt and my mom made it around noon as I stated above. When Matt walked in the front door, I was sitting with Mark in the room and Mark said in a sing songy voice like a child "Matt's here". It was pretty cute. Matt got to stay with him today, but visiting with him is hard since he is so confused. It is more spending time with him than visiting because you never know what you're going to get. Andy came by and he did remember Andy, so that was good.

Mark's blood pressure is decreasing and he is taking in less water. He is definitely declining. No one knows the day or hour, but we're definitely on very limited time now.

I received the nicest gift from Tracy Richard and John Oliver of Camera Graphics today. Tracy took a family picture of us shortly after Mark was diagnosed with cancer as a gift to us. Many of you have seen it as we put it on our Christmas cards in 2007. She had the picture blown up into a beautiful size family portrait and framed by Mr. Oliver of Camera Graphics. It is so beautiful and amazing. The frame is gorgeous!!! I was so overwhelmed at the time, I don't think I said thank you enough to them. I was just in shock!!! I brought it into the room to show Mark and said "look what Tracy brought us" and he said "yeah, she took that". Amazing for how confused he is that he can remember that. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!! I LOVE IT!!!!!!

We are trying to keep the kids' routines as normal as possible for now. They are definitely feeling Mark's decline. Colton didn't want to come in the room tonight to tell Mark goodnight. Calen has been a little withdrawn, but tells me everything is okay. Emily is just Emily. I think this will be different on her and maybe won't be real for a while for her. It's hard to know what a 5 year old thinks sometimes. She came in to tell Mark goodnight in her usual happy tone as if nothing were wrong. Of course, this is all she knows. Her dad has been sick half of her life now and for all of what she remembers I'm sure.

Thanks to everyone for continued support. We are trying to cherish every moment we have left with Mark. Continue to pray for peace and comfort for him. Pray for all those with cancer. Pray for those in the Haiti earthquake as well. God bless!!!!

Jan 19

Hello to everyone. Today has been hard. Mark had a bad night last night. Shortly after my post last night, he became quite short of breath. I don't know if he reacted to the medicine he took for the hiccups or if it is just a decline in his condition, but he started having trouble breathing. We turned him onto his side and he had trouble for about 15 minutes or so (which felt like an eternity). He started calming down and the hiccups continued most of the night. He was quite confused this morning and didn't know who I was or where he was (at home). I decided not to go in to the office and stayed with Mark today. He has been having more trouble in general. He isn't gasping for breath, but it seems a little harder for him at times. He continues to hiccup most of the time which wears him out. I called the hospice nurse to let her know what was going on and she came to check on him today. She is going to get some oxygen out here for us to use when Mark needs it. It will certainly make it easier on him. It was difficult watching him struggle like that. I can't tell if he's hurting or not and he can't really answer us now. He occasionally will grimace, but when we ask if he's hurting he says no.

It's been a tearful day for me and for Mark's parents. We knew the decline would come, but it is hard to see it happen. I pray that Mark isn't hurting and that there are no more struggles for him breathing like last night. Thanks for all the prayers and messages. God bless!!!!

Jan 18

Hello to everyone. Mark continues to remain in a stable state. He has had unbelievable nonstop hiccups for 3 days straight now. They've kept him (and me) up all night for the last couple of nights. They just wear him out and I don't know how he does it. He is so weak and they just take so much of his energy. He is getting more confused as well. I was talking to him this morning and telling him how sorry I was that he's had these awful hiccups and that he hasn't gotten much sleep because of them. He said yeah and I'm sorry for you too. I asked him what he meant, thinking he was going to say he was keeping me up all night, too, but instead he said "because you had hiccups, too". He managed to unhook his morphine pump tonight and I had to figure out how to get it back together. He constantly messes with the pump and the buttons and the IV pole. I tried to cover it up with a blanket. We will see if that distracts him. The combination of the liver failure, dehydration and morphine are not good.

Emily came in tonight to see her dad. She made him a card earlier tonight and wanted to come in to visit again tonight. He waved to her and smiled. She told him that she would miss him when he went to heaven and asked if he would miss her too. Before he could answer, so piped in and said "at least you won't have any pain in heaven". I think it's harder for me to keep my composure during those moments. They're just so pure, spontaneous, and honest. What do you expect from a 5 year old.

Andy came over and visited with Mark some today. Mark was awake pretty much all day. Mark's parents spent some time with him during the day while I was working and they got to sit and visit.

As I am sitting here typing this, Mark's hiccups are progressively getting worse. They are so loud and violent now. I don't know why they get worse at night, but they do. Julia brought him some medicine today to try and get rid of or reduce the hiccups. They did get a little better this afternoon, but never disappeared. I gave him another dose about an hour ago. Boy, I hope it kicks in soon for both of our sake. It has to be totally miserable for him. He is making this terrible sound. The cancer is up under the diaphragm and irritating it which causes the hiccups. At least, that is our assumption.

The boys spent the night at the Brooks' house last night and were both tired today, but went to hit some baseballs today when they came home. Tomorrow night is basketball for both of them. Colton has practice followed by Calen's game.

Thanks to all of you who continue to support us with prayers. We can't thank you enough. Continue to pray for Mark and all those battling cancer. Also continue to pray for the earthquake victims in Haiti. God bless!!!!

Jan 15

Hello to everyone. Things here are still rocking along. Not much has changed. Mark still has periods of being pretty with it and able to have some normal dialog (although limited for sure) and then periods where he is very confused. Sometimes he just doesn't respond to us at all, but his eyes are open, so we're not sure whether he's sleeping with his eyes open or what. It's hard to know. This morning I had the Today Show on in the bedroom and I was laying next to Mark watching it. They had some of the Haiti coverage on. Mark was lying face up staring at the ceiling and I didn't think he was alert. They interviewed an American who was trapped and had severe damage to her legs and ended up having her leg amputated and she was so positive and just happy to be alive and hoping that the others in Haiti were being helped. Mark said "How sad. That is a really sad story". I looked at him and asked "Are you listening to this?" and he said "yes". I asked if he wanted me to prop him up so he could watch, but he said "No, I just want to listen". I was amazed at how alert he was, but then later he was very confused about his IV pump and saying weird things.

Colton seemed a little better today. He got to come in and see his dad. He was upset knowing that his dad probably won't be here for his 10th birthday this year which is March 1st. Calen came in to visit Mark this evening as well. Mark gave him a baseball bat. Mark promised him a bat if he made the 8th grade baseball team. Of course, we don't know if he's made the team at this point, but we wanted to be sure Mark could present him the bat, so we went on the assumption that he would make the team. Brent was actually key in getting the bat here. He got all the specifications and found the one Calen wanted since Mark isn't able to. Thanks for doing that. The bat is very special to Calen. He was all choked up.

Pete, so sorry to hear about your son. Mark talked about you and your son to me and told me what good people you were. I know we've never met, but I feel in a way I know you. Like you, I am learning that we lose ones we love way too early sometimes and we have to know that there is someone much greater than us in charge and trust that there is a greater good being done. I pray that you feel the peace of God each day. I just found out today that someone that I knew from High School just died of metastatic breast cancer. She left behind a husband, a grown son and a 13 year old daughter. My heart breaks for them.

Thanks Debbie for stopping by and for thinking of the kids and their needs during this time. I can't thank you enough for that.

Congratulations Keven and Elizabeth on baby Ethan. What exciting news. Can't wait to see him.

As always, continue to pray for Mark and all those battling cancer. Please remember the people of Haiti tonight as well. They are such a poverty stricken nation already and this is so devastating for them. Please pray that their needs are met. God bless!!!!!

Jan 14

Hello to all. Things continue about the same here. Mark is comfortable, but continues to get weaker. He hasn't eaten in many weeks now and only drinks sips of water. He has started getting dizzy when I roll him side to side in the bed just today. He tried to get a drink of water on his own last night and ended up spilling the water in the bed, so at 4:30am I was up changing the sheets and him. He felt bad, he is just too weak to hold the water glass up. I have continued going in to the office from 9-3:30 or so. Kathy and Brent take care of Mark while I'm gone. It is hard.

Calen had his first rec league basketball game Tuesday night. It was fun to get to watch them play and they had a lot of fun. Their team ended up winning, but really it was all about having fun and hanging out with friends which was nice. I hate that their games are so late. It started at 9. I had to leave Colton's practice to get Colton and Emily in bed and then drive back to watch the second part of Calen's game.

Colton and I had a heart to heart tonight. He is really having a hard time dealing with Mark dying. He cried a lot and just opened up a lot. He's afraid that he won't get to tell Mark goodbye, so I told him that each day he needs to go talk to his dad in the morning and tell him what he needs to tell him for the day even if Mark's eyes aren't open that Mark hears him. I think that will help Colton to feel that he can say goodbye. I talked to Colton about Mark's wishes to stay at home and I think Colton is okay with that. It's really hitting him hard and I pray that I handle this in the right way. It's so hard for all of us.

I am so sleep deprived and yet I find myself staying up half the night. It's crazy I know. I think my brain is turning into mush. ha

Thanks to all the Slammers families for the Tuesday night dinners. You have been wonderful to feed us every Tuesday night. Thank you all so much.

Thanks to all of you who continue to pray for us. Please continue to keep Mark in your prayers. Pray for all those fighting cancer. God bless!!!!

Jan 10

Hello again. Things are about the same in the Bertus house. Mark continues to feel weak and tired and sleeps most of the time. He has very little time that he is awake and alert and he doesn't like to talk much. His voice is more of a whisper and he can't stand anything loud at all. He thinks talking in a normal voice in the room is being loud. He grimaces if things get too noisy, it seems to aggravate the pain and discomfort. He likes the light to be off with just the lamp on, but still leaves the tv on. Sometimes on mute. Go figure. I relate it to how I feel when I have a migraine and any stimuli at all causes the pain to increase, so I guess that must be in some way how it is with him.

Mark is still on the morphine drip to control his pain and it seems to be helping. He seems to be pretty comfortable for the most part. He can get extra medicine when needed and that is helpful. He continues to lose weight as he cannot eat anything. It is a helpless feeling. I miss that he isn't able to sit and talk or watch a movie with me anymore. I sit by the bed just to be next to him.

Basketball started last week for Colton and their team pulled off a narrow victory by 1 point. Calen's team will start this Tuesday without even practicing yet. It will be interesting, but I'm sure they'll have fun. I took Calen to see the movie Avatar. It was really good. I was trying to get him out to do some things with his friends this weekend. I think he feels like he has to be here for me and I don't want him to feel that way. I certainly want him to enjoy being 13. (Not that I minded going to the movie with him- it was nice).

We continue to pray that Mark remains at peace and pain free. I know that God is in charge and I don't understand this, but I am trying to stay strong and trust in Him. Please continue to pray for Mark and all those fighting this cancer battle. God bless!!!

Jan 7

Hello everyone. Sorry I haven't been faithful about posting. The time gets away from me and I am losing track of days. It is crazy, yet peaceful here. Mark continues to decline a bit. If he were able to eat, I think he would be somewhat stable, but he is just so malnourished and can't use his gut at all for nourishment. He is still able to drink water and keeping up with his fluids for the most part and hasn't been nauseated or vomiting which has been an answered prayer for sure.

We started Mark on the IV morphine drip a few days ago to get his pain under better control. He seems to be better. On the second day, we removed the patches and went solo on the morphine. He has the ability to push a button and give himself extra doses as he needs it and then gets a continuous infusion as well. Well, the IV morphine bag went empty at 3:30am this morning and the pump started beeping. I jumped up to check it and sure enough, no morphine. YIKES!!!! I quickly slapped 3 patches on Mark and woke him to get him to take a pain pill since I knew he would soon be hurting and pretty bad. There was a little morphine left in the bag, so I figured out how to get the pump to run another couple of hours to get the remaining medicine in him and then we waited to get in touch with hospice. We now have a plan to avoid this happening again. It took a bit to get Mark comfortable again today, but he looks better now, in fact a little too sleepy. I think I need to take the patches back off.

Funny story and those of you who know Mark well will like this one. Through it all, he hasn't lost his humor. Julia, Mark's hospice nurse, was over to start the morphine drip a few days ago. She had to access his port through the skin with a needle. She was cleaning it off and talking to me and told Mark "there's going to be a little stick" but all the while Mark's laying there with his eyes closed like he's in la la land and not moving, so we keep talking. All of a sudden, Julia sticks Mark with the needle and he yells out with this loud booming scream "OUUUUCCCCHHHHHHHHHH". It was so loud and he sounded like he was in agonizing pain. Julia jumped back and Mark had this big grin on his face and said "ha ha just kidding". Julia and I started laughing at him. He is so funny sometimes.

Mark continues to have periods of confusion from the medicine and dehydration in combination with liver failure. He is very yellow. Most of the time he seems pretty with it, but out of the blue he will just say the weirdest things or start whispering like he's talking to someone who's not there.

I worked Tues, Wed and today as partial days in the office. It seemed to work out okay. It is really hard to leave Mark right now. I am just playing it by ear. The kids started back to school this week and seem to be doing okay for the most part. Brent and Kathy are here and are caring for Mark while I'm at work. That can keep you busy. I know they enjoy spending time with him though.

Thanks to all of you who continue to read this and pray for us and support us through this battle. Pray for all those battling cancer out there. God bless!!!!!

Jan 4

Hello to everyone. Calen and I were sick yesterday with some virus and it was a miserable day in the Bertus house. We missed mass. I'm just glad Colton, Emily, Kathy and Brent didn't get sick (or at least not yet). Mark continues to get weaker. He has started getting very confused. Last night he was just talking out of his head and confused all night. He made no sense at all. I think he was having hallucinations. He didn't take any extra pain medicine all afternoon. I turned the TV off hoping that would help. He asked me at 10:30 last night if it was morning or night even though it was dark outside.

The kids are getting ready to go back to school on Wednesday. I think they are ready to get back into a routine and see their friends again. I am supposed to go back to work tomorrow, but I don't know how that will work. Mark is very confused and I don't know that he can get out of bed at all anymore. We will see. Julia, Mark's hospice nurse, is supposed to come visit him again today so I will talk to her and see what she thinks.

Thanks again for the support and prayers. Continue to pray for all those battling cancer. God bless!!!

Jan 1

Hello to all and Happy New Year. Mark is holding his own. He seems to have a pretty good handle on his pain which makes us feel better. He has been sleeping more and his awake times have been fewer and far between. Unfortunately he was due for his patch change yesterday which is the day he gets pretty sedated and missed the OU game. He woke briefly a few times and I gave him an update, but he didn't seem very interested in the game and just couldn't wake up to watch it. Mark's sister Eugenie is here again for a visit with her husband Mike and their 3 kids. We all stayed up, kids and all, to bring in the New Year. We had a little champagne and Mark was awake for it and even took a sip of the champagne. He was more awake last night and visited with everyone for a little bit. He seems to be more awake at night and is still sleeping with the light and tv on all night. (I am having a hard time adjusting to this as I am one of those people who needs total darkness and quiet to sleep. I use an eye mask to keep the light out, but the tv is impossible to ignore. I am starting to get a little used to it.)

Mark seems a little more awake today. He had about an hour this evening with me which was nice. He was also awake intermittently through the Auburn game. How do you summarize that game for him???? I just told him Auburn won several times in overtime. I missed Father Bill again today. I took Calen out for a haircut and Father Bill came over. Mark was sleeping, but Father Bill went in and said a prayer for Mark.

I got all the Christmas decorations down today, packed them up and put them up. Yeah!!! That is always a good feeling.

Thanks for all of you who continue to pray for Mark and support us through this cancer battle. I continue to pray for a miraculous cure. I guess it's a little like a prisoner on death row praying for a last minute stay of execution, but I still pray it happens. I just have to trust and have faith because I certainly don't understand this. It seems so senseless. Continue to pray that Mark experiences comfort and peace in these coming days. God bless!!!!