Dec 29

Hello again. Well, I was hoping Mark would have another good day yesterday as it was his day in between pain patch changes, but I was wrong. He was pretty sedated and just feeling weak and puny. He didn't feel like talking or doing much and pretty much slept all day. Julia, his hospice nurse, came out to check on him. She brought a scale to weigh Mark and he weighed in at a whopping 143 pounds. He is so thin!!! He hasn't eaten in weeks and it just kills me to see him looking like this. They really didn't change anything in his treatment, just keeping him comfortable.

I took the kids to a movie yesterday afternoon. They are getting stir crazy in the house, so we saw Alvin and the Chipmunks. It was pretty cute.

We pray that Mark remains pain free. He has been resting for the past few days and staying pretty sedated. Please continue to pray for peace for Mark and that he remains comfortable. Pray for all those battling cancer. God bless!!!!

Dec 27

Hello to everyone. I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas. I know those of you in Oklahoma had a very White Christmas. Mark had an episode of pain on Christmas morning that was quite intense and it took a bit to get it under control, but since then, he has been pretty comfortable and doing well. Unfortunately, he wasn't able to get up and watch the kids open gifts or spend any time with us Christmas morning. It is just too hard for him to get out of bed and he can't take much noise or commotion. The kids had a great time Christmas morning and were quite pleased with their gifts. We went to mass on Christmas Eve and even in our new BIG church, the parking lot was full and there were no seats in the inn. I guess that is a very good problem to have.

Mark had a good day yesterday. He was pretty alert most of the day and we got to spend quite a bit of time together. We watched some movies and stayed up until 2am. I was getting so sleepy and he said "Don't fall asleep. I don't know how many more days I'll have like this." I was really fighting to stay awake with him. Some of the time we were talking, it was just like old times and I'd almost forget he was sick. Yesterday was definitely a good day. We changed Mark's pain patches this morning and he's been very sedated all day and not really awake at all. They really knock him out. He is definitely more jaundiced and now having some bleeding from his gut.

Father Bill came over today to visit with Mark, but he was sedated and I had gone out for a bit. Calen forgot to tell me he was coming over and remembered to tell me at dinner tonight. That's a teenager for you.

Mark's parents are still here helping out and have been troopers. They haven't been home to Oklahoma in months now. I just can't image. Kathy got to spend a lot of time with Mark yesterday as well and I know she enjoyed that. We are hoping tomorrow he will be more alert again.

Thanks for the continued support and prayers as always. God bless!!!

Dec 23

Hello to everyone. I must say Thank You to whoever had the yard decorated with signs for Mark's birthday. It was great!!! Mark couldn't get up to see it, but Brent went out and took pictures of it and we showed them to Mark and he smiled. It was great and so thoughtful, so thank you!!!!

Today was Kathy's birthday. James the Elf was busy decorating again. He has been busy with decorating this month. Kathy had a bright and colorful glitter hat to wear today and we had a sugar free chocolate cake. We got her a ring with Mark's birthstone in it. I think she really liked it. She isn't really one for jewelry, but we thought she might wear this, so we'll see. The kids were excited to present it to her and of course, they had the "talking" card. Those are a must in our house.

Mark slept most of today and hasn't been feeling very well. He is more jaundiced and you can really start to see the yellow in his skin and eyes. He was vomiting some this morning, but luckily no more of that through the day. His bowels are totally blocked with tumor, so he cannot eat anything and only has sips of water. He was talking like he wanted to call hospice out tomorrow to start him on the IV pain medication instead of the oral medications. The pain seems to be getting a little worse for him. Luckily, the evening of his birthday, he had an alert time and he let me cut his hair and shave him. He had been in full beard for some time. He wanted all his hair off, so we took a 1 blade to him and he looks really different. No hair. He was alert enough to watch a movie with me as well, which was nice. He hurts too bad for me to get next to him and hug him or cuddle with him which I miss, but just spending time with him is nice.

The kids are excited about Christmas coming up. Colton and Emily were bouncing off the walls today. Wow!!!! Don't know what I'm going to do with those two if they don't settle down. Hopefully after the present high leaves, they will calm. Father Bill came over today to see Mark. He spent some time visiting with us and played bowling and tennis with Colton on the Wii. Father Bill is pretty good. I think Colton was impressed.

Many of you have asked about donating to Mark's Scholarship Fund. You can send money directly to Auburn Bank or to our home and I can take it for you. If you are out of town, the address to the bank is PO Drawer 3110 Auburn, AL 36831-3110.

Thanks again to all of those who continue to support us through this journey. Continue to pray for peace and comfort for Mark. Pray for all those fighting cancer as well. I wish everyone safe travels during the holiday season. Please have a Merry Christmas and hold on tight to those you love. God bless!!!!

Dec 21-Mark's 38th birthday

Hello everyone and Happy Birthday Mark. Today is Mark's 38th birthday. It certainly is not the celebrations of the past, but we are trying to celebrate in our own way. I think our dear friend Andy had the best gift of all for Mark. He set up a scholarship fund for Mark with Mark's name on it to go to a deserving Auburn student. What a wonderful birthday present and great honor!!!!! It is a great way to celebrate Mark's birthday, life, and love for Auburn University. Julie Reese sent over a HUGE card with many signatures and birthday wishes from the college of business. Mark was alert enough this morning to read it and I put it up in the room so he can look at it. I decorated the bedroom with a few birthday signs. He can't eat, so no cake or anything.

Karen, I got your email and it made me remember Mark's last birthday. What a great time that was and how different things were then. We went out for Mark's last birthday to Juliana Tokyo's with some dear friends and had dinner and drinks and a wonderful time. It doesn't seem like it was a year ago. How things change in a year!!!! I really do miss that.

Emily made Mark a picture this morning and each of the kids got a card for Mark and they found one of Mark's favorite movies to give him today. We will do that later this evening. The boys both spent the night with friends and haven't been home yet. Kathy, Brent and I all are contributing money to the Mark Bertus Scholarship Fund at Auburn Bank as Mark's birthday gift. I figure that there isn't really much we can get him at this point, so what a better gift and I am so glad Andy thought of it.

Thanks for all the sweet messages on the blog. There are so many of you who read this it sometimes amazes me. As always, continue to pray for Mark and all those fighting cancer. Please hold tight to those you love this holiday season. God bless!!!

Dec 20

Hello to everyone. Mark hasn't been doing well. He continues to decline. He does have a bowel obstruction. He hasn't had anything move in many days now. His abdomen is hard and distended. He was initially having a lot of pain, but the last 2 days he actually seems more comfortable. He is less awake and just seems to be in less pain. When he is awake, he doesn't really complain and takes less of his pain medications. He is looking jaundiced. He doesn't eat and drinks a little.

Today was Emily's 5th birthday. She was quite excited this morning as James, our elf, decorated the house for her birthday. It was really cute. She got a cute party headband and button to wear. She opened presents and we got Chili's takeout for lunch and we plan to have cake and ice cream later. I didn't plan a party for her with her friends yet. I figured I might wait until January to do that. Things have just been so day by day and it is hard to make any plans right now. We will see.

I am trying to get my Christmas shopping done. It is hard to get out and do that, but it is slowly getting done. I might even finish.

Thanks for all the support. We have made it this far because of so many of you helping us with prayers, love and friendship. God couldn't have put us in any better of a place than Auburn, AL. I ask for continued prayers for Mark that he be free of pain and feel God's presence. God bless you all!!!!

Dec 18

Hello everyone. Sorry I haven't posted in a few days. The days fly by. Mark continues to struggle, but is hanging in there. His biggest hurdle besides pain control has been eating. We can't get calories into him and he has lost SO MUCH WEIGHT. He eats virtually nothing day in and day out. His spine protrudes in his back and he has virtually no fat left. Last night he woke me and said his abdomen was "as hard as a rock" and he was a little uncomfortable. That resolved somewhat through the night, but returned this morning and his ostomy has stopped producing any output which signals that his intestines are blocked. His abdomen is very distended today and firm. He feels worse when he drinks fluids. The hospice nurse, Julia, got orders for something for Mark to try, but so far it hasn't helped. I don't know that there will be much that they can do if he is obstructed since the cancer is everywhere in his abdomen. It is just hard seeing him like this. He has been sleeping most of the day and looks comfortable, so that is good. Julia offered him an IV drip, but so far he has declined this.

Eugenie, Mark's sister, left today to go to the airport. She is flying home to Texas to spend some time with the kids and prepare for their family's Christmas. Brent took her to the airport this morning.

Today was the kids' last day of school and they are excited for the break. I went to Colton's program at Cary Woods today and it was sweet. The kids all did so well. I somehow have to get Christmas shopping done and Emily's birthday is Dec 20th, so that will be here Sunday. Mark's birthday is Monday the 21st. Dottie, our angel of a receptionist at work, arranged for me to be off on Monday for Mark's birthday. Of course, Dr. Adams is also an angel for agreeing to see my patients as he was scheduled to be off and is now coming in to see my patients. It was so wonderful of them to do that for me. They are such wonderful people at The Orthopaedic Clinic!!!!! The entire office has done so much for me and my family.

Thanks to all of you who have written such sweet letters and emails. I have given them to Mark or read them to Mark during his awake and alert periods. He has smiled enjoyed them all. Many of them have brought me to tears (good ones-bitter sweet ones). Our dear friend Andy has been over here nearly every day spending it with Mark and our family, he has practically become one of us. Even when Mark doesn't feel like visiting, Andy is here, just for support. There will never be enough words to thank Andy for all he's given us in just being our friend through this.

Please continue to pray for Mark. Remember all those fighting cancer as well. Please remember the Parker family, the family of Laura Brown who recently lost her young life to ovarian cancer, and the family of Bennie Pierce who lost his young life to renal cancer in your prayers. God bless!!!!

Dec 14

Hello everyone. Things are about the same in the Bertus house. Mark continues to have struggles with pain. He ran out of the pain pills Hospice brought by on Friday afternoon by Sunday morning and I had to call to get a refill on Sunday. We put an extra pain patch on him while we were waiting on the extra pills to arrive and that seemed to work well. I really don't know how he's still going on virtually no calories for the last few weeks. He occasionally will have a drink of OJ or fruit punch, but that is about it. He ate a few bites of a meatball last night which was very impressive and wanted some pineapple slices in the middle of the night. He continues to run fevers in spite of the antibiotics.

Mark's hospice nurse called this morning to see how the weekend went and will be getting an order for a stronger pain patch for the week in an attempt to cut down on the need for extra pills. I really hope it works. He sleeps a lot and can't stand to have any noise or stimuli.

Just as I was typing this, Mark was sleeping in bed holding his water glass and dropped it all over the bed. His immediate instinct was to jump up and out of bed since it was ice water. He started to fall and tried to sit in the chair which he did for a few seconds and then fell face down out of the chair onto the ground. Of course, all this motion caused his pain to escalate. It was awful. I had to quickly get the bed changed and cleaned up so we could get him back in it.

Last night, Mark wanted to watch our wedding video again. We watched it with Kathy, Brent and Eugenie. Matt left to go back to Oklahoma City last night. He has been here since before Thanksgiving and needed to get back home for a while.

Thanks again to all of you who continue to pray for us and support us in our cancer battle. God bless you all!!!!

Dec 11

Hello everyone. Not much has changed in the Bertus house. Mark continues to have bouts of pain followed by periods of sedation after his meds are on board. There isn't much of a happy medium. He is weak to the point he can't really talk much. His voice is raspy. I wish I could say he is comfortable, but he really isn't much of the time and it makes me feel helpless. He does not want to go to the Bethany House to get IV pain medications, so we are trying to manage here. His hospice nurse was by today with refills of the pain medicines to get us through the weekend. Mark had a fever of 101.5 this evening as well. He is on a pretty powerful antibiotic already and Dr. Farmer plans to leave him on the antibiotic from now on and just not stop it since he has been getting peritonitis. I hope that is not a sign that the infection is gaining strength. Cancer itself can sometimes cause a fever. We will see.

Mark's cousin, Michael, came in today from Texas to visit Mark and will be here until tomorrow. It was good to see him and we enjoyed the visit. I wish Mark was feeling better and could actually talk with him some. Mark always loved Michael so much.

Father Bill was over today, but Mark was too sedated at the time to wake up and visit.

Calen went out bowling tonight with friends and I was glad to see him get out of the house for a little bit. Colton went to spend he night with a friend. I think it is a good break for him to get out of the house some. Emily was a firecracker tonight showing off for Michael. She couldn't sit still at all and wore herself out. Hopefully she will sleep late tomorrow. We will see.

Thanks again for all of you who continue to support us in so many sweet and kind ways. Your prayers and kind words are so appreciated. Please continue to pray for Mark. Pray for Marie Hoffman-I have no updates on how she's doing, but I'm sure prayers are always appreciated. Pray for the Parker family. They received good news at Carly's last visit to MD Anderson. Pray for the Pierce family who recently lost Bennie to cancer that they may find peace this Christmas. God bless!!!!!!!

Dec 10

Hello everyone. Today has been a long day. Mark had a very rough night last night with a lot of pain and suffering. It took quite a bit of pain medication to get him comfortable and he refused to turn the light off last night for us to sleep, so we slept with the bedroom light on. I don't know why he insisited the light be on, but he did. He was moaning and groaning and just miserable. He ended up taking quite a bit of medication and then finally used some of the morphine this morning. He eventually got comfortable and it was good to see him rest and look peaceful. We thought for a while it may be his last day with us. His lips looked white and he was pale and mottled a bit. He was pretty out of it all day and not very responsive and had very shallow breathing at times. Matt went and checked the kids out of school just to be safe. Luckily Mark seems to be a little better now. He has a very weak voice, but is talking some. He is still using quite a bit of pain medication. I, of course, didn't go in to work today.

Dr. Farmer emailed me this morning just to check on Mark, so I informed her of what was going on here. She offered to put Mark in the Bethany House to get a better handle on his pain, but he wants to stay here. His hospice nurse, Julia, came by today and checked on him. His blood pressure was actually good. She is going to make sure he has enough pain medications to get us through the weekend. If he gets bad, the Bethany House is always an option, but we want to do everything we can to keep Mark at home. Mark hasn't eaten anything at all in 2 days now. He is drinking a little water and had a very tiny bit of orange juice yesterday and a small glass of fruit punch today, so not much in the way of calories.

Kathy, Matt, Eugenie, Brent and I spent most of the day sitting with Mark. It made for a long day today. Matt and Brent decided to take Calen to baseball tryouts this afternoon as Mark seemed to be doing a bit better and then Eugenie and Matt took the kids out to eat dinner at Cheeburger Cheeburger.

Mark has been somewhat grumpy which is hard. I just want to hold his hand or lay with him and he hurts so bad and feels so bad, he just wants to be left alone and not be touched. We all just have to sit and watch him from a distance. I think that is the hardest part for me. I really miss his humor, hearing his laughter and just joking with him or having him tease me about something. I would really love it if he feels good enough to do that again.

I have to say Thank You to Tia. Your letter was so wonderful and touching. I would never have thought about doing a Build-A-Bear for Emily with Mark's voice message, so Thank You!!!! You are so kind and that will be something that Emily will cherish forever. God bless you!!! Thanks to so many of you for all of your wonderful support. Mark got a phone call from Gene Chizik-I don't know who asked him to call Mark, but thank you. My mother had Billy Sims, the former Oklahoma great and Heismann winner call Mark a few weeks ago which was a neat surprise. Thanks mom!!! Oh yeah, Scott we got your letter from New Zealand. Thanks!! It was great hearing from you and your letter was wonderful.

Please continue to pray for Mark. Pray that he will not suffer with pain. It would be nice to see him in a pain free state so that he could enjoy some more time with us and create some more memories. Pray for all of those suffering with cancer out there. God bless!!!

Dec 8

Hello to everyone. I want to thank everyone for the wonderful birthday cards, wishes, gifts, food, flowers. It was overwhelming and awesome. I was totally surprised and felt so loved by so many of you. I woke to my house being decorated with "40" stuff everywhere and then my front yard was filled with cows and a sign "Holy Cow Ronda's 40" thanks to Debbie Brooks and Stacey Brandon, I hear. Mark wanted to make the day special for me and he got up out of bed several times. He took a couple of pictures with the family which was great. I think he was totally worn out and slept the entire day after my birthday. I felt guilty about that.

Angie, Matt's wife, flew into Birmingham the evening of my birthday and stayed until this morning and flew back to Oklahoma City. It was nice to see her and I think Matt has been missing her a lot. He has been here since before Thanksgiving. Eugenie, Mark's sister is in from Austin, TX now as well. Mark's parents have been here since Sept with the exception of a 2 week break they took when my mom visited. They are troopers.

The Hospice nurse was out to visit Mark on Monday. He is stable. He doesn't get out of bed for much of anything and is very weak. He eats very little if anything and our goal is to keep him out of pain. So far, he seems to stay pretty comfortable for the most part. He occasionally will hurt and not take his medicine like he should. He is still stubborn about things. The Hospice team has a child psychologist that is supposed to visit with each of the kids weekly. She is a very nice lady and Colton and Emily are fine with this, but Calen totally freaked out about it. He started yelling and crying and does NOT want to see her. He was very opposed to this on both occasions that I discussed it with him. I talked with Mark about it tonight and he thinks we should just not make him see her for now. I guess he is right. I just worry about Calen. He holds a lot in and seems to be withdrawn a lot. He doesn't do much with his friends like he has in years past. He told me he didn't want to see her at school because that was the only place he could be "normal" and maybe it is where he escapes from all of this. I also wonder if he is afraid he will break down at school. I will try to call them tomorrow before they make it to the Jr High and talk with her. I think he will need it eventually, but I don't want him to feel pressure.

I went back to work today after being off for the last few weeks since starting on Hospice. It was very hard for me. I feel like I should be home with Mark, but I can't be off forever either. It is a difficult decision. I only got to see Mark for a little bit the entire day since I had to take Colton to basketball practice when I got home from work, then get Emily into bed, read books with her and then read with Colton for 20 minutes. It eats up all of your time and before you know it, it's almost midnight.

We continue to pray for Mark and ask for strength to get us through what is to come. Please remember Mark in your prayers as always. God bless!!!!!

Dec 4

Hello again. Mark continues to weaken each day. He was very tired yesterday and seems much more so today. He even seems somewhat confused this morning, but hasn't been awake much. He says he isn't hurting and looks much more peaceful than he has. We have spent the last week just sitting with him and talking, watching old movies and just hanging out as he feels he has the energy. I was laying with him last night and he fell asleep so I got up to go put Emily and Colton in bed. Mark woke and saw I was gone, he got up and walked into the living room and found his parents sleeping on the couch, so he WALKED UP THE STAIRS to find me. This is a huge thing for Mark to do, so I about jumped out of my skin when Mark came stumbling in to Colton's room last night. It scared me to death to see him upstairs. I was terrified he was going to fall back down the stairs. He said "I thought you were going to spend some time with me". He cracks me up sometimes. He hasn't lost his sense of humor through all of this.



Mark had a bad nightmare last night. He has been having many of them lately. They usually involve him being separated from the family. He started moaning really loudly and then yelling "No" over and over, so I thought he might be huring and I was trying to wake him up and he punched me right in the face. I am really glad he isn't nearly as strong as he used to be. We had to laugh about it. After he was more awake he asked "Did I hit you?". I told him I was going to call DHR for spousal abuse. I hate that he is having nightmares. I don't know if the pain medications are causing that or if it is just some of the fear he is experiencing. Maybe a combination of both.

I wanted to say thank you, thank you, thank you to Dan Gropper for the wonderful letter you wrote and the pictures. There really aren't words to let you know how much the letter you wrote means to me, especially the part to our children letting them know what kind of a man Mark was in your eyes. I don't think I can ever tell you how much that means, but thank you!!! Thanks also to the MBA students for your card to Mark. It is good to know how many lives Mark has touched in so many ways. I have heard from so many of Mark's former students and it truly amazes me sometimes.

Tomorrow will be my 40th birthday. I had always thought Mark and I would celebrate it together doing something big like a trip or a big party. This certainly isn't the way I had ever imagined to be spending my 40th.

Hospice has been out several times. We have met his nurse, the social worker, chaplain and they have a kids counsellor who will meet with the kids next week. Father Bill continues to come out weekly and give Mark communion and did the annointing of the sick about a week ago with Mark.

Thanks to all of you who have continued to support us in all of this. There are too many of you to name, but we appreciate all of your love and support. Please continue to pray for Mark. God bless!!!!!